Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Feeding and how I feel about it.

Tonight was the worst feeding session - EVER.  I can't put into words how incredibly frustrating it is.  She must be the MOST stubborn little girl that ever walked this planet.  Sometimes I think, "she's met her match with me."  But sometimes, like tonight, I want to GIVE UP!!!  I don't think it helped that I spent several hours of my day today pureeing food for her.  The amount of time that it takes to puree her food, freeze it, then prepare it prior to each meal by boosting it again, fine tuning the texture, etc. is incredible.

Tonight I wondered how much more time I would have for other things if I didn't have to do any of that.  If we just went back to tubing every meal with already prepared cans of formula.  Oh, what I could do with all that time!!!!!

And I thought, "I can't do this anymore.  I don't WANT to do this anymore!!!  I hate Goldenhar Syndrome and I hate that her jaw had to be this way."

But I don't have a choice.  As much as I want to quit - I can't let myself give up.  I just can't.  I hate the way it feels when a feeding goes badly.  But I think I would hate the way I would feel if I gave up, even more.

It just sucks to feel this way.  To be so conflicted in my feelings.  When feedings go this bad, I can't help but think it's causing more harm than good.  That I'm going to damage her by making her associate negative feelings toward all eating and oh what is that going to do to her down the road???

But quit because her behavior is bad?  When I think about that as an option - I hear this conversation in my head:

Harlie:  Mom, why didn't you teach me how to eat when I was younger?  Then it wouldn't be so hard for me now.

Me:  I tried Harlie.  But you were awful.  You blocked the spoon with your hands, you covered your mouth, you turned away, and despite everything we tried, I just couldn't do it anymore.  It was torture for the both of us and it had to stop.

Harlie:  But, Mom - I was FOUR!  Who let's a four year old make that kind of decision?  You were bigger than me - couldn't you just make me eat?

Me:  HAH!  No.  No, sweetheart I couldn't make you eat.  No one could make you eat.  You were very stubborn.  And I was tired of the fight.

Harlie:  Well, thanks a lot, Mom!  Now I feel stupid hanging out with my friends when they eat and I have to tube myself.  You're a terrible mother and I HATE YOU!

See?  So, how can I quit?  I CAN'T!!!

And when I want to scream "THIS SUCKS!" I remember how it used to be.  Before she ever swallowed her first bite.  And then I read my post from that memorable day when she finally did.  And I think to myself, "How can I complain about this when she's EATING!?"  We've come so far.

I just need to hold on until she finally gets that I'm not going to give up.  I just pray that it is soon.  Very, very soon.

Thanks,
Christy

6 comments:

Suzanne said...

How could you not be frustrated. And tired. Hang in there! You are doing everything you can and your patience is hanging by a thread, but we all know YOU can do it. And so can Harlie! Don't forget that that little (big?) stubborn streak and strong will is the very reason Harlie is here now to battle you and test you to your wits end. It's a huge part of why I love Harlie so much!

Ann said...

Christy - I have no experience with eating trials and tribulations, but I imagine just venting about it and getting it "out there" and off your chest helps you feel somewhat better. You are smart, you are experienced, you love your daughter to the moon and back and you'll keep doing what you have to do to help her reach her maximum potential. It's okay to be damn sick and tired of it some days.

Hang in there .... have a drink, go for a run (not necessarily in that order) and clear your head so you are ready for another day and another battle.

Much love,
Ann

Christy said...

Thanks ladies! Leave it to you two to make me feel better! Ann - you are right - I'm damn sick and tired of it sometimes.

Thanks!

Janis @ Sneak Peek at Me said...

Hugs!!

I am so jealous that she eats as much as she does, really I am. Austin refuses a spoon with food, but he will finger feed himself small things. When I see you fed Harlie 8oz of this or that...I cringe. My kid will eat 5 cheerios, nowhere near 8oz of anything and I can forget the purees. There are days, weeks and months that I want to give up too. So my dear just realize you are NOT alone. And Harlie has come so far, you can't stop now.

oxoxox

Donna said...

Hang in there Christy. Just like everything else on this great journey we are on there are going to be major ups and downs. There are days I HATE feeding sessions, I HATE pureeing, I HATE tube feedings, but then you have a great couple of sessions and somehow it just gets better. I feel your pain, I really do :(

We need to get together for some MUCH needed 'vent', 'girl', 'MOMMY-FREE' time!!

Hugs,
Donna

Jennifer and Elizabeth said...

Christy I know exactlly how you feel. I have had so many moments just like you have described in all your posts. I too have wanted to give up. I actually love her being in school and them giving her 3 of her meals, although they struggle just as much as I do. I feel God wouldn't of given us these special miracles if he didn't know that in the end we can and will get through this. ((((((hugs))))) It's ok to vent and cry and yell and just get away for awhile. Please know that I completely understand everything you are going through with her feeding and you can always e-mail me or facebook me if you want someone to vent to that really does understand. Hang tough mom, you can and will overcome this as you have been able to overcome everything else that was thrown at you and your family when your precious Harlie came.