Feeding and how I feel about it.

Tonight was the worst feeding session - EVER.  I can't put into words how incredibly frustrating it is.  She must be the MOST stubborn little girl that ever walked this planet.  Sometimes I think, "she's met her match with me."  But sometimes, like tonight, I want to GIVE UP!!!  I don't think it helped that I spent several hours of my day today pureeing food for her.  The amount of time that it takes to puree her food, freeze it, then prepare it prior to each meal by boosting it again, fine tuning the texture, etc. is incredible.

Tonight I wondered how much more time I would have for other things if I didn't have to do any of that.  If we just went back to tubing every meal with already prepared cans of formula.  Oh, what I could do with all that time!!!!!

And I thought, "I can't do this anymore.  I don't WANT to do this anymore!!!  I hate Goldenhar Syndrome and I hate that her jaw had to be this way."

But I don't have a choice.  As much as I want to quit - I can't let myself give up.  I just can't.  I hate the way it feels when a feeding goes badly.  But I think I would hate the way I would feel if I gave up, even more.

It just sucks to feel this way.  To be so conflicted in my feelings.  When feedings go this bad, I can't help but think it's causing more harm than good.  That I'm going to damage her by making her associate negative feelings toward all eating and oh what is that going to do to her down the road???

But quit because her behavior is bad?  When I think about that as an option - I hear this conversation in my head:

Harlie:  Mom, why didn't you teach me how to eat when I was younger?  Then it wouldn't be so hard for me now.

Me:  I tried Harlie.  But you were awful.  You blocked the spoon with your hands, you covered your mouth, you turned away, and despite everything we tried, I just couldn't do it anymore.  It was torture for the both of us and it had to stop.

Harlie:  But, Mom - I was FOUR!  Who let's a four year old make that kind of decision?  You were bigger than me - couldn't you just make me eat?

Me:  HAH!  No.  No, sweetheart I couldn't make you eat.  No one could make you eat.  You were very stubborn.  And I was tired of the fight.

Harlie:  Well, thanks a lot, Mom!  Now I feel stupid hanging out with my friends when they eat and I have to tube myself.  You're a terrible mother and I HATE YOU!

See?  So, how can I quit?  I CAN'T!!!

And when I want to scream "THIS SUCKS!" I remember how it used to be.  Before she ever swallowed her first bite.  And then I read my post from that memorable day when she finally did.  And I think to myself, "How can I complain about this when she's EATING!?"  We've come so far.

I just need to hold on until she finally gets that I'm not going to give up.  I just pray that it is soon.  Very, very soon.

Thanks,
Christy