Friday, February 3, 2012

So, guess where I am...

At school, of course!  And I couldn't be happier.

I wish.

Harlie's happy and healthy and glad to be here.  And I am thankful.  I really don't want to complain.  I don't!  But no mom should go with her kindergartener to school every day.  Period.

And I have a job.  A whole list of duties and responsibilities I need to work on every day.  And when those things aren't done, it makes our evening more stressful.  It just creates a negative chain reaction, that we simply don't need.

The mornings would be so much better if Harlie could feed herself her own breakfast.  And then that makes me think that maybe I should bring self-feeding back to the top of our priority list.  But, I just can't do that right now.  One, there's no more room at the top of the list.  Two, there's a part of me that says that would negatively impact her progress in having refusal-free meals (which we are still immensely enjoying).  I just don't think I could push her right now.  And the only thing that's telling me that is my gut.  And I don't know how much I can trust that.  Because the reality is that working on self-feeding will be very time consuming.  And we simply don't have any more time.  None!

So, yesterday was our first new and hyped-up Therapy Thursday.  And it sucked.  I knew after the first therapy session that it wasn't going to work.

First of all, I'm freaking tired.  I feel like a wimp saying that.  But, I haven't been able to stop for a second all week.  Plus, I did my Adrenaline class on Tuesday (my last day of "freedom") and it kicked my ass.  Seriously.  Since the new year I really feel like he's amped up the difficulty.  Plus, I had done virtually nothing for almost two weeks (since the sickness period in our home).  So, it was a shock to say the least.  My body is still reminding me that it's pissed.  Oh, and that I'm 40.  Shut it, body!  I didn't ask you!  

So, we were supposed to leave around 12:30 to go to our first therapy session - ST with Delisa (to work on the communication device).  But, the class had C.O.W.s (computers on wheels - when they bring laptops into the classroom) and the work was really good stuff.

The teacher had them make a "movie" about measurements using Keynote on Mac.  There were six slides.  And they had to do something on each slide.  One slide they had to put the balls in order from smallest to largest.  On another they had to put animals in order from lightest to heaviest (I thought for sure she would struggle with that one).  Then they had to put people in order from shortest to tallest.  Then they had to measure an elephant and a turtle by dragging paperclips to measure how tall they were in paperclips.  I was so proud to see that she could do all of those without any problem!

So, I didn't want her to leave in the middle of that.  So, we were late getting going.  Then she had to go to the potty.  Then she walks so slow.  Then we finally got out of the building and then they tapped on the window for me to come back.  Then I went back into the building (Harlie was still walking back toward the building) when they told me that I left her freaking communication device in the classroom.  Good one - considering we were rushing to speech therapy to work on the communication device.  Boy, would I have really looked like an idiot!

So, I put all our stuff down (must get a rolling cart for all that crap!) and ran towards her classroom.  Luckily her teacher sent a student towards the office with it, so we met in the hallway (time saver!).  Then we rushed back out the door toward the car.  I had Harlie's backpack, lunch box, suction machine and my bag (which carried my laptop).  And that stuff is heavy!  I couldn't stand walking that slow - my arms and shoulders were killing me.  So I ran ahead and opened the car and put my stuff down, thinking, of course, that Harlie would continue her slow trek down the sidewalk.  I turned around and nope.  She had not taken another step since I left her.  UGH!  So I ran to get her and just had to carry her to the car.

Sometimes I wonder what we look like to other people.  We are a mess!

So, we're in the car and I'm driving the speed limit to therapy... when my gas light comes on.  Great.  So, I get us to therapy and that goes okay.  It was our first session.  I asked her how she labeled our therapy for insurance - like for speech therapy or augmentative device.  She said either way, it's considered speech therapy.  This story's getting kinda long... but since we already see a speech therapist, I was surprised that our insurance approved our therapy with Delisa, since they only pay for one ST - even though they might be focusing on two totally different things (which totally annoys me, but whatever).  Then I remembered that we had to switch insurances at the beginning of January.  That's another big mess - but I don't feel like talking about that right now.  So, since we haven't been to see Becca in a while, I had not given them our new info yet.  Which meant that when they went to get approval for Delisa, they didn't see another ST providing services.  Which meant that I was going to have to pay out of pocket for Becca.  And she is NOT inexpensive.  Oops.

Therapy went well.  She gave me some tips on how to use the device more.  And we left.

Therapy was from 1 to 2pm.  Physical therapy is at 2:30, 30 minutes away.  Which means I don't have the time to get gas.  But, obviously I can't NOT get gas.  So I had to stop, which of course, made us late for PT.  And no matter what, we're always late for PT.  It was while I was standing still at the pump that I realized this was too much.  I didn't pack enough food for me for the day.  And, more importantly, I didn't pack enough food for Harlie.  I totally forgot to pack her a can for the afternoon.  Crap.  And home seemed like an eternity away.  So, something's got to go.  Period.

For the next 30 minutes I thought about it.  Which therapy can I stop?  Becca is expecting a baby in March, so we're going to stop seeing her eventually anyway.  Plus, her session is only 30 minutes.  So, it seemed logical that we stop that one.  Although I think Becca is awesome.

And wouldn't you know?  We sit down for Becca's session and she tells me that she's moving!  So, we mutually broke up.  Each of us saying it's not you, it's me.  Funny how things work sometimes.

So, back home we go.  Whew!  It was a looooong day!  And if I was as tired as I was, I can only imagine how tired Harlie was.

We go home and enter another chaotic environment.  It was Murphy's last day to work on his ocean diorama (habitat in a shoebox) and you know he didn't do anything while I wasn't home.  And Cooper has been especially whiny lately.  I mean, like every sound out of his mouth is a whine.  I don't know if he's got some teeth coming in or something, or if he just knows that this week has been crazy and he doesn't like it.  But it's really pushing Tom and I to the limit.

But, I have to say, Tom has been great this week.  He has really pitched in and been super understanding that my days have been... unusually difficult this week.  He was pretty grumpy earlier.  And sometimes I just get worried.  I guess about us (his family) pushing him too hard to do too much.  Even though our life is so crazy, I still want him - and us - to be happy.  I want to know that he is still where he wants to be.  So we talked about what we like/don't like about how our life is right now.  It's so easy to be angry at the way things are - and then take it out on the ones you love.  And then it's so easy to misinterpret that.  Then things just snowball downhill.  And I don't want that to happen.  Sometimes just talking about it makes a big difference.  You've been heard and therefore, you feel better.  Maybe he should blog...

At any rate, talking about it really helped.  And boy am I glad we had that talk when we did!  Because if we hadn't talked before the last few days, who knows how bad it could be around here!

Well, it's lunchtime again (10 freaking 30!).  More later!



Tanya said...

I so so so so get it. Not enough hours. Not enough me. Not enough her. Not enough time or me for the other kid(s). Not enough time or me for my spouse. The anger at the situation while having immense love for all the people in it.

B-Mama said...

One perk to you being at school is that we're getting to read more about your life... and you're right, it is nuts! You amaze me! Hang in there, sister. I second your thought on having a rolling cart--heck, pick one out and I'll buy it for you! Anything to make your life a little easier. xoxo and prayers...

Ann said...

It's okay that you can't do it all, really. As you are discovering, it's so important to find a balance and as you work towards finding that balance, do it guilt-free my friend.


Susan said...

I love that: the new and hyped up Therapy Thursday. Sounds exhausting. You'd be horrified to hear, Ainsley doesn't have ANY outside therapies (and you know school therapy is not the same). Though I have been thinking of adding some. It's remarkable that you manage to do what you do. If you were happy all the time too, I'd want some of whatever drugs you were on. ;) Kidding. Hope next week is a little more calm.