My Dad

Wow.  The last time I posted was in May.  That feels like an eternity ago.  The first post after a long hiatus is the hardest.  There have been so many times I sat down to write and felt too overwhelmed to get it going.  There's just so much to say.  And most of it isn't pleasant. 

My Dad passed away on Saturday, September 26th.  He was 92.  

Since Covid happened, we've been able to see him very little.  Here's the brief background story...

In November of 2018, my Mom had spine surgery.  It was during her recovery that we realized how much my Mom had been doing for my Dad.  He just wasn't able to take care of her or himself, for that matter.  So, me and my siblings found our parents an assisted living facility and moved them in January of 2019.  

It was great!  They were in an apartment not far from us and we could come and go and visit them anytime we wanted.  My Mom loved meeting new friends and participating in the activities the community provided.  They played cards, bingo, watched movies, knitted, etc.  It took a little longer for my Dad to warm up to it - but eventually I think it grew on him (especially when he got into a poker group).  

All was good until March 2020, when Covid hit.  They locked down the facility.  No more eating in the dining room - they delivered all their meals and snacks to their apartments.  They were not allowed to leave and they were not allowed to have any visitors.  They were not allowed to visit their friends in their apartments - no contact at all, with anyone, except the staff when they were doing medical stuff or delivering meals.  We could deliver food to them, but it could only be from a restaurant - nothing home made was allowed in.  I have no idea how that was safer.  But I am learning that it isn't always about safety, it is about perceived safety.   One time, during a bike ride, Tom and I stopped at the back of their apartment building.  I called Mom and told her to come to the window.  They are on the 3rd floor.  We talked for a little bit and left.  A few days later, my brother Bruce went and did the same thing.  An employee told him he couldn't do that and told him to leave.  How is talking to our parents from three flights, unsafe?  

After a period of quarantine (I don't remember how long) they had zero cases.  They still would not allow the residents to gather together to visit, play cards or eat.  My Mom could talk on the phone with her friends and began hearing of residents whose health failed/was failing because they were all alone all day, every day.  Covid wasn't hurting them - the prevention of it was.  And somehow that seems to be okay.  I just don't understand how dying from Covid is horrible, but dying from the prevention of Covid is acceptable.  Why is no one talking about this?   

Eventually, maybe sometime in the summer, they allowed them to leave the facility.  So, my parents could go to the grocery store, etc.  But, the residents were still not allowed to gather together amongest themselves in the facility.  I remember during this time, my parents said they would rather be allowed to visit amongst themselves, than leave the facility.  Since they were allowed out - they could still catch Covid and bring it inside the facility - therefore, they were still confined to their apartments.  

They still - to this day - will not allow any visitors on site.  

The last week of July, my Dad fell in their apartment and hit his head on the dresser.  They called an ambulance and transported him to the hospital.  After about a week or so, he was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia.  My Mom told us that the recent weeks prior to his fall were proving more difficult for them both and his health was deteriorating.  Of course, she was dealing with this ALL ALONE. During the first week of August, he went on hospice and he was able to go back home with my Mom to take care of him.  

Because he was on hospice, they allowed us to visit him - one visitor for two hours per nursing shift.  He had runs of good days and sporatic bad days.  Overall, he was doing way better than anyone expected.  But my Mom had almost no support from her family.  We could bring meals and pick up medicines, but spending any quality time with them was very difficult.  It was hard on her to take him anywhere.  And even harder for her to leave him.  

We knew his health was failing and he likely didn't have much longer.  I wanted Murphy to be able to see him - well, I wanted all my kids to see him, but that wasn't really possible.  With allowing only one visitor - it isn't possible to take a child.  My younger brother, Cabell, has a six-year old son and one night he took him.  They told Cabell he couldn't take him to see his grandfather.  Cabell, knowing another opportunity wasn't likely to come, told her he was taking him up or she could call the police.  She didn't call the police.  And little Chase got to see big Chase.  It is crazy to me that children have to go to these lengths to see their dying parents.  

Also, you should know that NO ONE is out of their apartments.  All doors are kept closed.  We see the person at the front desk who screens us and then NO ONE else.  It seems that there is actually very little risk of Covid - and a huge cost in mental health, which quickly turns into physical health for the residents. 

A few days later I planned on taking Murphy to see him.  Since Murphy is 16, I was going to let him go up to visit them and I would wait in the car.  When I called my Mom to ask what she wanted for dinner, I could hear my Dad say he wanted a cheeseburger with onions - and fries - from Five Guys.  His voice sounded so strong!  He was having a good day!  So, after some conversations back and forth (we were trying to find a place she could take Dad to so all my kids could see him) she said she could bring him to our house.  I can't remember the last time they were at our house!  

So, on Wednesday, the 23rd, I left work and stopped at Five Guys to pick up dinner.  Dad brought his own spray bottle with malt vinegar to spray on his fries.  We got such a kick out of that.  We had a great time and all of us got to spend time with them at the same time!  Spending time TOGETHER as a FAMILY is a way different experience than spending it one on one.  It was so great having them over again!

On Friday night, the 25th, around 5:30pm, my older brother Bruce called me, Sandy (my sister) and Cabell.  He said that Dad went to take a nap at about 1pm and they couldn't wake him up.  His breathing was shallow and erratic.  We all went to their apartment.  Staff said only three of us could visit at a time.  Since Bruce was already up there, that meant only two of us could go up.  

Dad was in his final hours and was out of the apartment, surrounded by my family just two days prior.  What difference does three or four people make?  They screen you, make you put on a new mask, give you a gown (???) and then you see absolutely not a soul until you get into their apartment.  

There was some discussion and finally she must have called the right person who, thankfully had a heart, and let all of us go up.  I was last and I think she must have been flustered because she didn't give me a gown.  So, I walked up to their apartment, didn't pass anyone and went in.  Their apartment is not large, and the only seat left was on the couch, next to Dad.  I sat down and talked to him, but there was no response.  There was no waking him up.  Immediately, I felt so much regret for not saying those things when he was still with us.  

After just a few minutes, Mom's phone rang.  It was the receptionist downstairs.  She told her that she had forgotten to give me a gown, so I had to come BACK down and get one.  

Just to recap - my Dad was dying, and she wanted me to leave to go walk the hallways without a gown, again, to get a gown.  If it was about safety, she should have brought it to me.  Heck, she should have done that anyway considering what if Dad took his last breath while I was gone?  Wouldn't it have been kinder to bring it to me? I thought, well, she probably can't leave the front desk.  So, I went down and she was putting her purse on her shoulder and turning off the lights - leaving!!!  So, she totally could've brought me the stupid gown.  

We stayed for most of the night.  It was really nice, being together, just the six of us.  Life doesn't normally allow that situation.  I think the last time it was just the six of us was when we got my parents a limo for their 50th wedding anniversary four years ago.  The six of us rode in the limo together.  

Anyway, we laughed, we cried and we drank some beers.  

I think I left close to 10pm.  We hated to leave Mom alone for the night.  But Bruce had company and we had company (Tom's family came to visit for Harlie and Cooper's birthdays).  And that night was Harlie's 14th birthday, Cooper's 12th was the next day.  Mom said she would be okay, and she would call us if anything happened. 

That night I bet none of us slept very well.  I just knew the phone was going to ring. Bruce said he was going to go over there in the morning and Sandy and I said we would go in the afternoon.  A little after 1pm Sandy called me and told me to come right then.  I rushed over and expected to get some pushback by the staff.  I didn't.  He asked me who I was there to see, I told him and he said sign in, get your gown, etc. and I ran down the empty hallways to their apartment.

Dad passed away while I was on my way.  But, my Mom, Sandy and Bruce were with him.  They called hospice and we sat together, the same as we did the night before.  I took my same seat, next to Dad.  After some time, Dad's cell phone rang.  He loved the Bee Gees and his ring tone was.... Staying Alive.  

We all looked at each other and then laughed and cried at the same time.  

The hospice nurse said other people could come.  So, Tom came over.  After some time, we all said our final goodbyes and they took him away.  

We had Dad's service on the Wednesday after he passed.  I think it went really well.  Dad received military Honors and they presented my Mom with a flag.  Nancy (Bruce's wife) started us off with a reading.  Then each of us kids spoke.  Two of his granddaughters spoke (Jordan and Maggie).  And Tom surprised me by going up front and speaking as well.    

After the service, we went to Bruce and Nancy's house.  Maggie put together a slideshow of so many great photos of Dad and all his favorite music.    

Now that he's gone, there's no hospice visitation - so we went back to NO VISITORS at my Mom's apartment.  Which means my Mom is grieving the loss of her husband, her friend for the past 54+ years - ALONE.  What the actual hell?  How is this okay?! 

By Friday of that week, we knew we had to move my Mom out of that place.  This no visitation thing is NOT going to work.  So, we found a place for her and are moving her before the end of October.  

Her current residence has had them on lockdown since March with no contact, no activities, and no visitors.  This has resulted in one case - and it was a staff member.  

This new place has followed our state's phases.  They have had activities with small groups.  They are allowed to gather in the sitting areas and they have happy hours.  And, they allow three visitors at a time.  They care about the resident's mental health in addition to their physical health.  This has resulted in one case - also a staff member.  

Two very different approaches, same end result.  Life is about balance.  Tom and I know this all too well.  We have been living it for 14 years.  And I am so appreciative of a place/company that knows how important this is and works really hard to think about their mental health AND their physical health.  I am happy to see that with hard work and common sense, it CAN be done.  

I know it won't be easy for my Mom once she moves.  But, we are all really happy that we will be able to visit her again.  It feels so crazy to think that we haven't been allowed to visit our parents for seven months.  We are ready for that to change.  

Dad's Obituary

 

Mid 1970's

Sandy & Rick's wedding, 1991

My Wedding, 2002

We Heart Harlie and Friends Gala 2019

Richmond Marathon 2010

50th Anniversary party 2016

At Jordan's wedding - August 2019

Lake Anna around 2015?

 

Even though we knew this was coming, it is still hard to believe he is really gone.  Any anger I ever felt towards my Dad evaporated in an instant that Friday night.  I was left feeling so much regret for not doing more and saying more.  The past 14 years have been so busy for me and my focus has been on Harlie and my family, of course.  Now that Dad is gone, I've been thinking about my life as a kid - and him as a Dad.  I've been remembering things I didn't have the time to think about before.  

Even though he was 92, lived a good life and died in such a peaceful way (how could you ask for more?), it is still HARD. I have been surprised at how hard it has been. And there's no fast-forwarding grief.  

Dad had a great life with us.  It is so weird to have him not be with us.  Miss and love you, Dad!

As always, thank you for reading.  

Much Love,

Christy xo