My Tattoo

Hi! I know, it has been another two months since my last post.  I have so much I want to share with you (like about the We Heart Harlie & Friends Gala, which was amazing!).  But, I already had this written and ready to go, so I'll start here.  I wrote this weeks ago, just couldn't finish it up.  So, here it is...

I meant to go on Facebook that morning to tell my friends that I was about to do something crazy and that I needed whoever liked me to like it, too - even if they were lying.  But, Tuesday, September 4th (the first day of school) was a really busy day and time got away from me.  Plus, I was SUPER nervous, so all other thoughts kind of left my brain.

I got a tattoo.  I still don't believe it myself. Here it is after a few weeks of healing.

And while I know I don't have to explain myself, I want to.

The first thing I want you to know:

Years ago my friend Ann started the Willow Tree Foundation.  It's mission is to provide parents of medically fragile children with respite opportunities through activities that allow parents to take "time-out" from the unrelenting demands associated with their child's care so that they can maintain their stamina and sense of perspective and continue to meet the intense medical needs of their child. 

This is what their website says about the Willow Tree:

The willow tree is a relatively small tree without much of a trunk. Its branches are long and bending and give the appearance of being weak and fragile. Yet, when the storm rages it is the willow tree that stands strong. Under the earth the roots of the willow tree run long and wide; these roots hold the willow tree in place during the attacks from the violent winds. The deceptive branches are also a strength for the willow tree. Without a large trunk the willow tree branches are long and pliable.  During the raging storm, the branches move and stretch with the wind. Ever bending, never breaking.

Much like the willow tree, parents of medically fragile children weather the storm and persist despite the significant emotional, physical and financial challenges they face in caring for their children. Over time, these unrelenting burdens can drain a parent’s strength and stamina. The Willow Tree Foundation was established to provide moments of calm in the storm by providing respite opportunities for parents so they can continue to bend, not break, and stay strong like the willow tree.

I have held on to ever bending, never breaking for over 12 years now.  More times than I care to recall - for dear life.  The two year hiatus we had from her trach and intense medical problems was amazing.  But, as amazing as they were, the last year was equally devastating.  Putting it frankly, it kicked my ass.  You don't watch your child almost die (several times) and come out unscathed.  Just trust me on this one.  

The second thing I want you to know:

A few years ago Murphy met a friend at school. Murphy was in the 7th grade and he came home from school to tell me about a conversation he had with this friend.  It was fall picture day.  He said to his friend in awe, "Your mom lets you wear a t-shirt with a snake on it for picture day?" His friend said that he doesn't have a mom.  His sister is raising him.  Well, we all ended up becoming friends and often when Brandon's sister would have to travel for work, we would keep Brandon for her.  Sometimes it was for several days, sometimes several weeks.  It was easy since we live within walking/biking distance to the school.  She brought his bike over and the two of them would just ride back and forth. And Brandon is a good, helpful kid, so it really wasn't difficult.  We already have a crazy home, what's one more kid?  

Well, it just so happens that Brandon's sister is a tattoo artist, and a really, really good one at that (she won Season 2 of Best Ink in 2013).  A while ago she offered to draw and do a tattoo for me - for free!.  After the last year we had, I just can't explain it.  It wasn't like I wanted a tattoo - it was like I needed one.  I know that might be hard to understand, but it is just the way it was. And it is so weird that while I've been thinking about this tattoo for years, I wasn't going to go looking for an artist to do it.  So, meeting her and having her offer and make the path to getting this tattoo easy for me - AT THIS TIME - seemed meant to be.  Isn't that crazy? 

So, in August, Theresa and I sat down and talked about what I wanted in this tattoo.  She drew a few versions and gave me a date.  I was definitely scared - getting a tattoo is SO out of my comfort zone, and not my personality, at all.  But, such is life for me the past 12 years.  

Tom met me at her studio at noon.  

Theresa showed me the final version and it was bigger than the last version.  In order to have the color and detail I wanted, it couldn't be small.  But, our life with Harlie has been extraordinary, so a small tattoo just didn't seem right anyway.  It hurt like hell.  The outlines felt like a thin, sharp knife cutting my skin.  This part proved to be the more enjoyable portion of the experience.  

The coloring felt like my skin was being scraped off, over and over, in the same spot. 

The highest part on my neck and my spine were the worst parts. After she started I told her that I once cried for two days over a bad haircut.  Getting a tattoo was never something I thought I would do.  

The longer it took, the more it hurt.

Anyway, after about three hours, it was done.

She said the color will come out more and more as my tan fades. I gave her a hug and thanked her and left.  I was crying before I got to my car.  All I could think was, What the hell did I just do? WHO AM I?? The Christy I was before Harlie would never have gotten a tattoo - much less one this incredibly large! I really needed a moment to myself.  But, it was after 4pm by then and Harlie's nurse had to leave, the kids needed to tell me about their first day of school and I had a We Heart Harlie meeting at 6pm. 

The third thing I want you to know:

I have often wondered Every single day I have wondered what kind of mom I would have been if Harlie were born healthy. What kind of wife would I have been?  Daughter, sister, friend?  The fact is that I was someone else before she was born and I had to adapt/change and become someone else after.  I had to quit my job, lose my career, make tons of sacrifices (personally, emotionally, financially), learn to accept help and learn how to be a nurse/caregiver 24/7 to this child who is medically complex to even the most experienced doctors.  These doctors often ask ME what I want to do when it comes to her!  I joke that my brain has been damaged.  But, it really isn't a joke. My brain functions totally different than it used to.  It had to adapt, too. And I feel those effects every day.  

Then last year happened. We spent over three months in a cardiac intensive care unit - out of town, away from our family and friends.  I was so scared, so many times.  It felt like a horrible nightmare (still does sometimes). I tried to hide it best I could and put my brave face forward for my family and friends so they wouldn't worry as much as I did.  Last year changed me, again.  

So, who the hell am I now?  I'm reminded of an image my friend Ann shared with me years ago.  

So, that's how I feel.  And to be honest, I grieve over the loss of myself.  I grieve over the loss of what could have been.  And I fear the loss of my daughter, every single day.  I know me getting this tattoo might have been shocking to those who know me. It was to me, too.  And I don't expect many to understand.  How can one understand something they've never experienced, lived through or felt? So, it's okay.  I understand.  I know.  And so does Tom and those who love me most.

Here are some of the symbolic aspects of my tattoo:

Clearly the Weeping Willow Tree, bending in a storm. I told Theresa I didn't need it to look like a Willow Tree - in my heart, I know it is.
The tree is growing forward, despite being pushed back by a storm.
Theresa said that only the strongest of trees can grow in rocks/mountains, so that's where its growing. And we have climbed a mountain, made it to the top, and got knocked down again. 
The colorful leaves are hearts and are colored because we have to find happiness and joy despite being in a storm.

This is a small tattoo for Theresa.  She has gone on to bigger and more challenging tattoos.  But, she said she wanted to do this one for me. And I am so thankful.  I love it.  And I love that SHE did it for me.

I think Theresa is an amazing human being. She's beautiful, confident, talented and has done an amazing job with her life.  She was dealt some crazy cards, too, and she rose to the challenges.  We love her and Brandon and are so glad they are in our lives. Thank you, Theresa!!

Much love,
Christy xo