The Mom I Would Have Been

I read this post a while back...

The Mom I Would Have Been

And I thought, she wrote that for me!  For the past eight years, I have had these thoughts.  Every.single.day, I have wondered what kind of mom would I have been if Harlie were born healthy and fine.  What kind of wife would I have been?  What kind of daughter, sister or friend would I have been?

Because I can tell you that these past eight years and the experiences that came with them, changed me.  I couldn't help it.  No one could.  I know I've done the best I could.  I've tried really, really hard. But, you can't have the memories, the experiences, the exhaustion (mentally and physically), the knowledge and the pain, without it completely affecting every single thing that comes after it.  You carry all that stuff with you.  Even when things are great, all that stuff is still there, being heavy.

I know I would have been a more fun mom.  I definitely would have had more energy.  And my friends would have been able to complain about stuffed up noses and bumps and bruises without apologizing to me.  And I would have been more sensitive and less calloused.  Would I have been a better planner?  Would I have been better with time management?  Sometimes, I can't remember who I was before her.

Unlike the author of that post, I can't say I'm a better mom now than the mom I would have been.  I want to think that. But, I just don't think that's true for me.  I'm not better, I'm different.  Heck, on some days I would argue I'm worse! But, I agree that I am definitely the mom I never thought I could be, the mom Harlie needed me to be. And, I'm grateful.  Grateful every day to have her and the boys.   And one day, maybe I'll stop wondering about the mom I would have been.

Much love,
Christyxo